It’s been a roller-coaster in all honesty.
What? Oh, I promised to blog about how I feel about the new church plant we are taking part in. I’ve been putting it off because I’ve been so conflicted (and hormonal, *pregnant) and never knew what to write. The bad? The good? My selfishness? I’ve chosen to condense it all down as best I can while including everything.
When we were deciding about the whole issue and whether or not we would go, we were both 50/50 in the beginning. Then he slowly started gaining percentage in the “let’s go” side, and I remained about a 51%/ 49% stay vs go ratio. I wanted to go, and be a part of what God was calling my husband to, I just didn’t want to leave.
I love my church. I love Jesus’ entire church the world over. I love the church I just spent the last 20 years of my life growing up in. I love all these people so much. (Pause to cry.)
I love my pastor: the man who married us, the man who has always been one of my father-figures growing up, the man who showed me what a good husband would look like by treating Teana so well every time I saw them together, the man whose sermons explained the Bible to me and helped to deepen my love for God, the man whose voracious literary appetite made me want to read and write more often.
I certainly love my new pastors, most especially the one I’m married to. How did I wind up married to a pastor?? Way beyond anything I ever expected, God. Brilliant job! I can remember a time when all I could get out of him was a vague promise to consider serving on the mission field… someday… and now he’s actively preparing for it and I am filled with love and pride when I see him stand up and speak .
I’ve broken down and cried several times both in sorrow over what I feel like I’m losing and in awe at what I see God doing.
I miss the conveniences of things in a large well established church, and I feel like a selfish loser for wanting something so seemingly trivial, but it’s HARD to not have a nursery. It’s harder than working the nursery. I know, because I’ve done both at this point. I’m still praying that a wonderful God-filled person will step up to direct the nursery I left.
I love the closeness of the small group of people I’m in and I’m simultaneously scared of it. I love that you all love me, and want me to grow in Christ. I’m scared of the first conflict I have with any of you, because I know I tend to hold grudges and label people for life and I don’t want to be that person. God save me from my sinful self.
To everyone at Heritage,
I love you all. I love every single one of you. I miss you. You can totally call, facebook, text, or tweet anytime. I would love to have lunch and play dates. I miss all the kids, too! I appreciate everything I’ve ever learned from all of you. I am grateful for your lives and all the service you provide to others. Please continue God’s work in His church in the relationships you share at Heritage. Love Him. Praise Him. Serve Him.
To the Hesses, and the Bradys,
Thank you for making efforts to stay in touch. You guys are awesome and I love being at your homes and with your family. I love your advice and prayers and am so thankful for you.
Teana, thank you for all of the hugs when I was on the verge of tears, whether you knew it or not.
Let’s go!! I love you all and am truly excited about what God is doing with us. Please let’s not lose sight of Him, all He has already done for and in us, and all He wants to do from now on. Let’s love one another like we say we are going to. Let’s be bold and loud as we sing to Him and courageous and generous as we love and serve those He loves.
Ok, so there’s my emotional catch-up rant. Most likely to be added to as the weeks/months go by. ❤
In all honesty,